Experiences Of An Inexperienced Meditator

Here I am. Sitting on a mat on the floor of a large meditation hall in a meditation center in Burma (Myanmar). My session timer just started. My eyes are closed and I am observing, as taught, the Rising and falling movements of my abdomen – the ever-present activity of our bodies for as long as we continue breathing.
Let me give you a one-paragraph background. In Satthipathana Vipassana Meditation, one is instructed to observe and mentally note (or label) any activities of one’s body and mind such as “stretching, stretching, stretching…” when (for example) stretching an arm out or “hearing, hearing, hearing…” when hearing a sound or “thinking, thinking, thinking…” when any kind of thought comes to mind. Any kind of body/mind activity must be observed, noted and labeled as it really is, without judgment or analysis. When there are no significant activities to be observed, one must observe the falling and Rising movement of the abdomen in sitting meditation and the movement of one’s feet during walking meditation. This way a whole day is spent alternating between hourly sessions of walking and sitting meditations with two brief interruptions for meals which, as everything else, should be done in the same very slow “observe, mentally note and label” fashion.
So, here I am, sitting and observing.
And here comes the Pain, a frequent visitor of a new meditator, whose body is not used to prolonged, motionless sitting. This time it comes just to the right side of the upper curve of my spinal column. Yes, my back is somewhat curved – not the best for sitting meditation.
So, I observe my new sensation: “Pain, Pain, Pain”.
It is still there, maybe even a bit stronger.
“Pain, Pain, Pain”
Still there, intensifying.
“Pain, Pain, Pain, Pain, Pain, Pain”
It really hurts! I know if I shift position it will go away for a bit. It worked before, but then I will keep on shifting, running away from it. This time I am making a resolve to do my very best not to shift, but just to continue observing it. After all, the goal is to understand the nature of things through observing them directly as they actually occur.
Let’s observe. And note: “Pain, Pain, Pain”.
My God, it’s really hurting.
“Pain, Pain, Pain”
It’s supposed to go away as it is being observed – so I’ve been told. Why is it not happening?
“Thinking, Thinking, Thinking”
“Pain, Pain, Pain”
I should see it for what it really is. Aha! Here it is! It looks like this: Imagine a purple arch drawn very roughly in smudged watercolor. The arch is covered with some white spiky lines, like an ivy growth. On the right side of the arch, somewhere mid-height there is a red, egg-shaped pulsation. This is it. This is the Pain as I see it at the moment.
“Imagining, Imagining, Imagining”
“Dreaming, Dreaming, Dreaming”
“Pain, Pain, Pain”
Oh, man! It’s not going to go away, is it? Who said anything about “impermanence of things”? But that purple arch looked really cool!
“Thinking, Thinking, Thinking”
That “Thinking, Thinking, Thinking” really helps with stopping thinking. How comes that “Pain, Pain, Pain” does not help with stopping pain. Or am I still thinking?
“Thinking, Thinking, Thinking”
“Thinking, Thinking, Thinking”
Hmm, did it just get a little weaker?
“Pain, Pain, Pain”
This is becoming tolerable. Let’s see how’s the abdomen doing.
“Rising, Falling, Rising, Falling, Rising, Falling”
“Pain, Pain, Pain”
Still here. Yes, it did get a little weaker. Half of it has now shifted to the right knee. Duh!
“Pain, Pain, Pain”
“Pain, Pain, Pain”
I am the observer. Pain is just a feeling. Like anger, or pleasure. But is it in my body or in my mind? Anger is in my mind. Or so I think. Pleasure… Hmm… Sometimes it’s in my mind and sometimes in my body and sometimes in both. What about Pain? Just a feeling… But so potent!
“Thinking, Thinking, Thinking”
Beep, Beep, Beep… This is not mine. Someone else just finished a session. Too bad it is not mine. But at least it tells me that the time is not standing still.
I wonder how long I have left on my timer.
Now that I know that time is moving, I am beginning to enjoy this face to face with Pain. Maybe I’ll hold on this time and understand it a little better.
“Pain, Pain, Pain”
Here it is. I am looking at my body and my mind and there is Pain in there. Just some activity is happening and this particular one we call Pain. And we learn or are programmed not to like it.
“Pain, Pain, Pain”
It hurts. But a bit less, or, rather, I react to it less. I do not react, I do not judge, I just note.
“Pain, Pain, Pain”
Hurrah! It’s disappearing. This was an interesting moment. I want to see again how it disappears. But I need Pain for that. Hey, Pain, where did you go? I need to watch you again! Hey, where are you? It’s stupid, but I already miss you. Oh well, let’s pretend to watch the abdomen and peek to see if you just hid somewhere nearby.
“Rising, Falling, Rising, Falling, Rising, Falling”
“Rising, Falling, Rising, Falling, Rising, Falling”
Beep, Beep, Beep. This is mine.
Time to open the eyes, stretch and switch to walking meditation. This was interesting. But very painful.
Thinking, Thinking, Thinking, Thinking, Thinking…….